If a random bystander were walking the streets of Metropolis today, they would come across a most curious sight. If moving past the soup kitchen on the corner of Main Street and Siegel Avenue, they would see a strange being in what looks to be a lanky green bug suit. It is eating from a bowl of soup using no spoon but instead a tiny garden shovel. This creature is also sitting on a wad of bubble wrap on the ground. As you saw him finish the soup, he’d sit the bowl down but then moments later, pick it back up and eat the bowl itself. At that point, the creature stood up and seemed to be taking a stroll, but we’ll let him tell you about it!
“Hi, my name is Irwin Schwab and I like ranch dressing flavored cookies (try them, trust me!) I run with a pretty odd crowd: my metal sock and my twelve other personalities! JK! That would be odd. But for some reason, this suit found me and all of it being what is made up of the things that want to be me is why I am. Was that clear enough for Ya?
A lot of folks call me the Ambush Bug, but I hardly ever ambush anyone. Why would I need to? How many actually get ambushed on a daily basis? I’m doing my morning routine of walking my llama and getting our breakfast sandwiches when that weirdo The Creeper found me. God, to think they let weirdoes like that out on the street.
No, I’m really Irwin Schwab. If I’m answering myself, I’m really crazy then. I’ve just wondered for so long, why did this happen to me? This suit literally fell from the sky. I didn’t ask for it. I often wonder if I really found the suit at all. If I’m really wearing it. If any of us are still alive. What happens when I take it off? I did take it off once and it told me to put it back on. Oh no, this is the Creeper. He’s soooooo strange.”
In front of Irwin at this moment is a pale skinned individual with red fur flowing from his shoulders holding two garbage can lids in his hands.
“Aha, there’s Buggy! How ya doing? I’m doing quite well, handling criminals like hacky sacks. If the left don’t get ya, the right one will! I’m on an important mission helping the Justice League,” and he starts whispering like he’s being listened to “they recruited me, scouting mission.” Then changes back to his normal timbre “Anyways, I need a bit of help and wanted to find someone to throw the criminal masterminds I’m trailing off my trail. Or our trail. The trail? Should it be “the trail?” No matter, are you the bug for the job?”
“Suit and tie, by the bye!” my suit makes me respond.
“Shut up, Bug suit. Who exactly is the criminal mastermind?”
He looks confused. He’s stumped. No, sorry, he’s thinking. He’s doing the pose of that statue thinking. And he’s laughing.
“I’ve got culture, did you just see what I did? There’s no mastermind behind this job, pal in a strange suit. It’s an invasion. They don’t use costumes. Aliens from all across the sky have decided they are invading, and this is the place to do it! But you already knew that because you can hear them like I can, can’t you? Can’t ya, huh? Huh? Huh? Huh? Huh? Huh? Huh?”
I don’t respond, but it doesn’t deter him. And the suit opens my big trap again.
“Huh? Huh? Huh? Hahaha, huh? Huh?”
“Why won’t this thing shut up??? I’ve had enough of this craziness. There is no alien invasion and no I cannot hear them. Why would I hear them? Do I look like a Green Lantern or something?”
“I don’t know, you are pretty green; does that mean there’s a lantern in your pants or are you happy to see me? No matter now. You wouldn’t want to be a Lantern. But it wasn’t his fault! He was brain-controlled by the Mad Hatter, everyone knows it! Hal Jordan was a righteous dude of the people. He’d never swallow the oceans and corrupt all the green things on this planet. Say…no wonder you’re so grumpy, you still feel the effects…” He drowns himself out.
“Effect or Affect? What’s the affect of your effect? Are my antennas doing something inappropriate?”
“Shut up, bug suit. Shut up Creeper. Get me out of this crazy thing called…”
I hate this suit. Did it take my mind?
bobombblast 