Toilet, Act Three

Cut to Chris and Jessie entering into a low lit room with candles all over the place, the only natural light.  A woman greets us.

Sherry: “Hi, guys.  How are you?”
Chris; “We’re good.  Is he here?”
Sherry: Yeah, he’s in the living room.”
Jessie: “Thanks”

A voice from an unknown location speaks up

The Wiser: “HI guys”  The guys enter the living room and and make themselves comfortable on the couch.

Jessie: “How’d you know it was us?”
The Wiser: “I heard Sherry say “Hi guys.  He’s in the living room”
Chris: “Wow.  You are wise.”

The camera pans up and only shows a wooden chair with a robe sitting on top of a semi-large speaker.

The Wiser: “Thanks”
Jessie: “We have a situation that we wanted to tell you about.”
The Wiser: “Tell away, my son”
Jessie: “Alright.  The other day this crazy guy on the street gave us a briefcase and said it was vital to the world or something and we thought it was a big joke but we saw him again today and he was serious and said he was going into hiding but would contact us or something, so do you think we should open it?”  (Whew, takes a breath after all that)
Sherry: walks in with a plate in her hand “Do you want butter on your potato?”
The Wiser: “Yes please.”  (He starts to speak again but in interrupted)
Sherry: “What about cheese?”
The Wiser “Yes, dear”  (sounded like he was losing patience)  Okay, as I was….
Sherry: “what about those little broken up bits of bacon?  those are good”
The Wiser: “Just surprise me!  Okay, anyways, what was the question?”
I motion for Chris to jump in

Chris; “Should we open the briefcase?”
The Wiser:”No”
Jessie: “Why not?”
The Wiser: “I thought I was all-wise?  How many times a day do you question wise people?”
Jessie and Chris look at each other and start counting on their fingers.  The Wiser’s voice breaks their counting

The Wiser: “Besides, you can’t open it until the end of the movie.”
Chris & Jessie (simultaneously) “Oh, that makes sense.”
They both turn and look at the camera and somehow the speaker turns also and faces towards the camera

Chris; “Well, we got to get going”
JEssie; “Thanks for the wise advice”
The Wiser: “You’re welcome.  Thanks for coming by.  Oh, and tell Lou I said hi!”
Chris; “Sure thing!”
Jessie (Looking around like everyone’s crazy) Is it catching?  Am I missing something?”
Chris: “Lou has a life and friends, just like we do”
Sherry; “Bye, guys.”
Chris; “Bye, Sherry.”
The guys walk out the front door.

Scene 2

Next morning, there’s a knock on Chris’ bedroom door

Jessie: “Chris, get up”
Chris; “What do you want?”
Jessie: “I’m going outside to open the briefcase.  I want  you to come out and be my witness.”
Chris: “The Wiser told us not to”
Jessie; “I know, but how is he going to know if we do or not.  He has no legs.”
Chris; “Alright, but it doesn’t seem…..hmmm…there’s a perfect word here and I can’t place it….”
They both stare up at the ceiling, look around, start counting on their fingers, until they give up and go outside.

The guys walk over to Chris’ car as he gets his keys out when suddenly we hear the song “She’s Got It” playing again.  We look across the street and get a better look at that same beautiful woman.  As they are dumbfounded, Chris was turning the key in his trunk lock and the trunk pops up and bashes them both in the chins.

Jessie; “Was that good for you?”
Chris; “Better”
Jessie; “What were we doing out here?”
Chris: “I don’t know; it couldn’t have been that important.
Jessie:” yeah, let’s go.”

They go back inside the house and see Melissa (Chris’ mom) sitting at the dining room table drinking coffee.

Chris;”Hi Mom” h says
Melissa completely ignores him.  “Hi, Jess.  What have you been up to?”
Jessie:” A little of his, a little of that.”
Chris: “Drinking your morning coffee, Mom?”
Melissa (ignoring him again) “Are you and Chris doing something today?”
Chris; “I’m going to get changed.”  (She still ignores him.  He walks away mumbling again)
Jessie;” Tonight, we’re going to Jen’s birthday party.  But, we’re going to work out today before we go.  You know, exercise for the ladies.”
Melissa; “Oh you’re going to a gym?”
Jessie; “Gym?  Who needs a gym?  WE have our own regiment>”

Close up on Jessie smiling wryly with some inspirational montage music playing

Scene 3:

Chris’s room: He’s lifting weights on a weightbench over and over again, seemingly very easy.  I tap him on the shoulder for Jessie’s turn.  I get down on the bench and strain to even lift the bar as Chris stands over me to spot me.  As I get it up, the phone rings and Chris let’s go.  The bar falls down on my chest and I struggle to even get up with it on me.

Scene 4:
We’re on a long narrow street; Chris and Jessie are running down at a jog’s pace.  Soon, Jessie passes Chris up and as the camera follows Chris, Jessie passes him up again.  Chris looks puzzled and stops to look up and down the street to see it’s a normal street.   As soon as he turns around to run, Jessie passes him again; and yet again.  Chris mouths What’s happening? and just drops to the ground as I pass him again and shrug my shoulders at the camera.

Scene 5:
Chris and Jessie are in a creek bed standing on flat pieces of lumber.  They are trying to maintain their balance on them, but are failing miserably and keep falling in, over and over again; the final shot of the scene is both men falling and busting their balls, losing their balance and falling groin first onto the log

Scene 6:

Chris’ house : Dining Room: The phone rings and Chris answers it

Jen: “Hey Chris, It’s Jen”
Chris; “Hey Happy birthday, Jen!” (pointing at me and the phone, strongly hinting for me to say it.  I don’t get it until Chris kicks at Jessie and he gets it, yelling “Happy Birthday Jen” Into the phone but It hurts Chris’ ears)
Jen: “Thanks guys.  Are you guys going to be ready?  ”
Chris: “We are looking too sweet” They give each other the Sweet Sign


Scene 7

Back in the white room with a :
Little Known Toilet Fact With:
The Wiser

The toilet flushes as Sherry brings in a small white chair, leaves, then brings in a semi-large speaker and sits it down and looks into the camera smiling.  She then realizes something, leaves and brings the cloak back and puts it on top of the speaker.

The Wiser; “I had a nudity clause in my contract!”  (then clears his voice)

The Wiser: “The first major toilet manufacturers, American Standard, was headed by asmart Chinese fellow.  How he came up with the name is when one time at a bar, some rednecks were poking fun at him for being Chinese.  He said “So, you’re the American standard huh?  You aren’t worth the crappers you sit on.”  A light bulb went off in his head.  Incidently, he drowned in a Port-a-Potty that was knocked upside down.”

Back to Scene 6 (Chris on the phone with Jen)

Jen: “Yes im’ sure you guys are.  So, did you invite everyone on my list?”
Chris; “Did we invite everbody on your list? (very loudly, again signaling to Jessie) How could you ask  me a thing like that?”
Jen: “Please tell me you did?
Chris; “O-kay, I did then.”
Jen “Chrissssss!”
Chris’ Yes, i’m sure we did.”
Jen “Did you invite Howie and Stan?  They’re fun guys.”
Chris; “Yes, we most assuredly invited those people.” (Chris mouths Howie and Stan as Jessie consults a list, then gives a thumbs up.”
Jen” And Mimi?  You know she’s one of my best friends”
Chris: ” Yes, we called Mimi and 3 hours later, we got off the phone with her.”
JEN: OKay, okay, i’m bringin some friends too and Bob’s coming as soon as he gets off work.”  I’ll be at Goldstar waiting for you, 8:00, Please, don’t be late!”
Chris; “We won’t.  Bye.”
Jen: “Bye”

Chris hangs up the phone.

Chris; ” You ready to go?”
Jessie; “Let’s rock n roll”

Some time later, they pull up at Gold Star to pick up Jen.  Jessie runs in as Chris waits in the car

“Hey Jen, ready to go?”
Jen: “Alright, i’m ready.”
Jessie; “Okay, let’s nooOOOOOOOO!”
Jen: Whoa, what’s wrong?”

Jessie pulls a remote control from his pocket and hits a button on it pausing everything around him including Jen

Jessie; “I Just realized: we didn’t get Jen a present.   Rewind.”

Then, the phone scene, the Toilet fact and the training exercise is all rewound until we are in the parking lot of a superstore Meijer.

Jessie slyly puts away the remote.

Scene 8:
Chris; “Alright, before we go in, let’s look at the list”
Jessie pulls out the List:

What Women Want
1> Money (No)
2  Jewelery (Maybe)
3 Mel Gibson (apparently)
4 Money (Again, no)
5 Stuffed Animals (doable)
6 Money (We get it, no!)
7 Commitment

Chris and Jessie see the last item and both scream loud and long: Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!

Chris; “Okay, I’ll get the jewelery and you pick up the animal;”

As they enter the doors of Meijer, we hear a familiar song playing: Also Sprach Zarathustra, Op. 30 from 2001: Space Odyssey

Jessie; “Chris, I’m scared”
Chris; “It’ll be alright, little trooper.”
Jessie; “Okay, good luck!”
Chris; “You too”




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