Toilet Act Two


Scene 1

Chris walks into Gold Star Chili to see Jessie and their mutual Jennifer sitting in their back corner booth.  Neither of them are eating. Jennifer sees Chris and gets up and goes over to him.

Chris: “Hi, Jen.  What’s up?  What’s wrong with Jess?”
Jen: “He got dumped last night.  I tried to cheer him up, but he said he wanted to wallow in his misery a little longer.  I think you should say something to him.”
Chris:”Alright.  Give us a few minutes alone and I’ll talk to him.”

Chris starts to walk over to the booth and Jennifer stops him.

Jen: “So, what are you going to say?”
Chris: “Don’t worry.  We’re guys.  I’ll figure something out.”
Jen makes a face: “Guy thing.  Disgusting.”

She sits down at the counter as Chris walks over to the booth and sits across from Jessie.

Chris: ” Hey”
Jessie: “Hi” (looks depressed)
Chris: “S’up”
Jessie: “N’nh(nods head up)
Chris: “Yeah?”
Jessie: “umm”
Chris: “Sucks”
Jessie: “yep” (nods head yes)
Chris: “alright?”
Jessie:” yeah”
Chris: “cool”
Jessie: “Thanks man.  I needed that.  Jen tried to help but she didn’t get it.”
Chris: “I know”

They both give Jen an accusational and she looks surprised.

Jen: “What’d I do?”
Chris: “Hey, here’s an idea: Rock, paper, scissors for lunch”
Jessie: “Sure”

They bounce 3 times then shoot: Chris has rock and Jessie has paper.
Chris: “Dang it” (he starts mumbling again)
Jessie: “You always go with the power.”
Chris: “What?”
Jen: “Hey Chris.  How about giving me the same deal for lunch?”
Chris: (gives a funny look):  “Alright, go on three.”
Chris does rock again and Jen does paper.
Chris: “Dang it (followed by more mumbling), You two are disgusting. Money-bleeding vampires.  You’re going to bleed me dry.  You’re like women.  No offense, Jen.”
Jen: “None taken”

Just then, the employee working the drive-thru starts getting loud.

Jerk at Window: “Yo dude.  I’ve made you two different sets of coneys.  There’s a lot of customers here.  As much as you’d like to believe it, you’re not the most important person in Hamilton.  You can come in for a refund but I’m not making another dog for you.”
Customer: “Hey, Jerk!  You’re getting paid for this, so get busy and make me some more and right this time!”
Jerk at Window:” Alright, give me your box back.”
The guy hands it in to him and the Jerk reaches out to choke the customer.
Jerk: Got you now, you punk!  I’m going to tear you apart!”

Chris and Jessie get up to pull him off the customer.

Chris: “Hey, man, calm down.”
JEssie: “Yeah, bud.  He’s not worth it.”
Jerk: “Alright.  Alright.  I’ll calm down.  I’m now calm.” He breathes in heavy and lets it out.
Customer: “Can I have my food now, chili jockey?”
Jerk: “That’s it!”

He turns around really quickly to the window to try and choke the guy out again and runs face first into the low drive-thru window and knocks himself out.  Camera stays on him for a few seconds before we see Chris, Jessie and Jen all leaving.

Jen: “So, i’m busy all the rest of this week, guys but I’ll see you at my party, right?”
Jess: “Sure, we’ll be there.”
Chris: “You still want us to pick you up and take you, y’know, that way you’ll be seen with the two hottest guys in Hamilton?”
Jen: “I wish I knew them, but you guys will do.”
Jess: “Ha-ha.  You’re funny>”
Jen: “Alright, guys, talk to you later.”
Chris; “see ya”
Jess: See ya, Jen.

Chris and Jessie start walking to Chris car.
Jess: “We are two great looking guys.”
Chris: “Yes, we are, we’re just too sweet!”
They give each other a hand sign signaling they are “too sweet” and the Crazy Guy jumps out of nowhere from behind them.

Crazy Guy “And Sour!”

Chris and Jessie both turn around and punch him in the face, knocking him on the ground.

Chris: “Man, we’re sorry!”
Jess: “Yeah, man.  We had no idea it was you.”
Crazy Guy: “It’s quite alright.  But, I need to know:  Do you still have the briefcase?”
Chris gives Crazy Guy a weird look.
Chris: “What briefcase?”
Crazy Guy: “The one I gave you yesterday”
Chris: “What day was that?”
Jess:”Remember, the one that controlled the fate of the world.  The one that’s in your car?”
Crazy Guy: “It looks just like this one” (He holds up one that looks identical.)
Chris: ” I don’t remember you giving us anything, especially a briefcase.”
Jess; “Remember, it was heavy and black?  You just don’t forget a briefcase like that>”
Chris; ” I still have no idea what you’re talking about.”
Jessie (to Crazy Guy) “Yes, we still have it.”
Crazy Guy: “Good, good. You’ve done very good. There’s bad people after it.  I’m going to have to go into hiding for a while until everything dies down.  But, when I’m out, I’ll contact you.  Deal?”
Jess; “Yeah, that’s cool.”
Chris: I still no idea what we’re talking about.”
Jess; “It’s alright, man.  It happens to the best of us.”
They walk back to Chris’ car.

Scene 2:

Just then, the Femme Fatals are walking down the sidewalk towards them.

Alundra: “I haven’t seduced or killed anybody lately.”
Sasha: “I know!  Me either.  We need to do that.”
Alundra: “Whoa, whoa.  Look, look, look.”

They spot Crazy Guy with a briefcase.

Sasha: “That’s the guy we’re supposed to get a briefcase from.”
Alundra: “Right.  You know what that means?”
Sasha; “Right.  Seduce and Kill.”

They get closer and start to walk behind him.  Finally, they skip past him, running and laughing at each other.

Sasha; “Stop teasing me, Alundra.  So what if I’m not wearing a bra?  You don’t have to tell everyone in the neighborhood!”
Alundra: “Oh, hello, Mr. Man.  How are you?”
Crazy Guy: “are you talking to me?”
Alundra: “Yeah.  What’s your name?”
Crazy Guy. “Uh, Bra,, I mean, Boob.  Bob, my name’s Bob.”
Sasha; “Oh, Bob.  I’ve always thought that name was cute.  It’s simple and cute.”
Alundra: “No, it’s more sexy than cute.  I picture rough, rugged men in open flannels cutting trees down with sweat all glistening over their manly, hairy chests.  Hmmmm.”
Sasha: “You know what I picture when I hear Bob?  A T.V. Repairman!”
Crazy Guy: “Huh?”
Sasha: “Oh yeah. A tall serious man with strong hands and a good working knowledge of screwing.”

(The Femme Fatals are acting very sultry and turned on and the Crazy Guy is getting extremely horny)

Alundra: “Could you walk us back to our car?”
Sasha;”It’s parked behind the dumpster over there.”
Crazy Guy: “It would be my pleasure, ladies, and hopefully yours!”
The girls laugh at him (fake) and hook their arms into his and walk back by the dumpster behind Gold Star Chili.

Sasha:”Bob, could you check something for me?”
Crazy Guy: “Sure, what is it?”
Sasha: “Are there any tan lines on my back?”
She turns around and lifts up her shirt as Bob looks, practically salivating, as Alundra sticks a knife in his back.

Sasha: “Awww, that wasn’t nearly enough seducing for me!  But, we still got him!  We’re the bomb.”
Alundra: “No one does it better.”
Sasha (Marching around in a circle) “Seduce and Kill.  Seduce and Kill.”
Alundra (opening the briefcase Crazy Guy was carrying) “Alright, let’s see what’s in this puppy.”


A sign appears saying “Little Known Toilet Fact” then we cut to a simple, white plain room with nothing in it but a toilet and a door.  Crazy Guy is sitting on the toilet.  He’s straining, and farting then he looks up and acts as if someone is there.

Crazy Guy: “In medieval days, toilets were used as a punishment to criminals.  They were built into the walls and the seat with the hold lead down into a pit. (He farts really loudly and strangely long, then sighs relief and starts talking again)  Bad people would be thrown into the pit and be peed on by soldiers.  This was essentially the first swirly.” (He drops a big deuce and exhales loudly kicking his legs up in the air, relieved)

We immediately cut back to the Femme Fatals opening the briefcase; as they open it, they see it is filled to the brim with stacks of cash.

Alundra: “The Big Boss isn’t going to be happy.”
Sasha:” You have to tell him.”
Alundra: “Why do I have to tell him?”
Sasha: “You’re the one who killed him!”
Alundra: “So what?”
Sasha; “Yeah, so what?”
Alundra: “So?”
Sasha; “So?”
Alundra: “Let’s just get out of here.  Maybe we can find someone to….”
Sasha: “Seduce and kill!”
Alundra: “Uh!  I was going to say that.  But, yeah, that.”

They toss the briefcase full of money into the dumpster and walk away.  They make their way to a nearby pay phone.
Alundra: “We better call him now, so he doesn’t get really steamed.”

From behind the pay phone, Pick appears.

Pick: “Howdy!”
Sasha (looking interested) “Hel-Lo, young thing!”
Alundra smacks her on the shoulders and shakes her head no.
Pick: “Have you seen my dog?”
Alundra: “No, we haven’t seen any dog, now could you excuse us so we can make a phone call?”
Alundra dials and says the password as Pick just stands there and stares at them.

Pick: “He’s a golden retriever.  He’s got yellow fur.  I guess that’s why they call them golden.” He laughs
Alundra: “Please, go away.  (Into the phone) Yes, we got him but he didn’t have the right case on him”
Sasha “Tell him we seduced and killed!”
Pick: “His name is Kick.  He has a nervous condition in his leg.  Hey, I bet you can’t guess why I named him Kick, can you, I bet?”
Alundra: “Hold on, Big Boss.”  (To Pick) “Excuse me, who are you and what episode of Hee-Haw did you fall out of ?”
Pick just waits a second, staring at them and then speaks up again
“Howdy, my name’s Pick.  Have you seen my dog?”
Sasha: ” I want to kill him.  I don’t want to seduce him I just want to kill him.”
Alundra: “Big Boss, I’ll have to call you back.”

She hangs up the phone and they literally start running away from Pick as he just stands there staring at them.
PIck: “Those were some nice folk.”

Scene 3:

Nighttime: Chris and Jessie are driving on a country road

Jessie: “Where are we going, man?”
Chris: “We’re going to see the Wiser and ask what we should do about this briefcase situation.”
Jessie: “Cool idea.”
We hear a thumping noise coming from the back seat.
Chris: “Is that you Lou?”
Jessie: “Would you stop talking to that stupid bat like it’s alive?  It’s weirding me out.”
Chris (grabs a short Louisville Slugger and puts him between them both) “He’s not just any old bat.  Lou’s special.”
Jessie: “He’s not a “he” at all. He’s an “it.”  No, It’s an it.  An inanimate object.  He has no internal organs, no heart, no brain.  He as no life.”
Chris: “Shhh.  You’ll hurt his feelings.  (talks to Lou) Don’t listen to him.”

They pull up in long, gravel driveway.

Jessie; “Hey, before we go in, Rock, paper, scissors for who has to explain it to him?”
Chris; “Fine.”
Chris shows Rock, Jessie shows Paper
Chris: “Dang it (then he starts mumbling again as Jessie smiles triumphantly)




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