Toilet, Act One

A New Look on American Comedy

toilet

A film by Jessie and Chris Robertson

“You’ll Laugh.
You’ll Cry.
You’ll Flush.”

 

We open on a toilet being flushed and only seeing the water spinning backwards

Narrator: “You know, life and toilets have a lot in common.  How like when you flush it and the water goes around and around and how the earth goes around and round, too.  And also when something bad happens, like an angry ex or insane friend or overdue bill and no matter what you do, it never seems to go away.  You just flush it over and over again, but it always seems to float back up to the surface. You know, Life is like a toilet: You never know when you’re going to get flushed.  And am I the only one who notices the water is spinning backwards?”

Pan up to see a guy with a mirror.  He gives a funny look and gets down and takes the mirror with him.

Scene 1: Chris’ House

Jessie knocks at Chris’ back door continuously as we see Chris get up from bed and grumble about being woken up.  He walks through the kitchen and sees a heart-shaped sign on the fridge door.

“Clean the House or I will KILL YOU ALL!
Love, Mom”

Chris gives a puzzled look for a second then answers the door.

Jessie (walking in)” What’s up man?  What are you up to??”

Chris (rubbing his eyes, not at all awake):” Well, for one thing, I’m trying to figure out who you are.”
Jessie: “Really? (as he cracks a weird laugh)
Chris: “So what’s up?”
Jessie: “Well, I thought we’d go running around.  It’s Saturday, y’know, a busy day.”
Chris: “We don’t do anything on Saturday.”
Jessie: “We run around ….and do stuff.”
Chris: “Yeah, that’s it.  We just run around and do stuff.”
Jessie: “I know.  Let’s do that.”
Chris: “Alright, man.  I’m going to change.”

Chris enters his room and Jessie looks at the heart-shaped note with the same puzzled look.  As Chris is in there, Jessie hears strange noises, like crashes, things breaking, goats bleating and people screaming, all in a matter of 5 seconds.

Chris walks out, dressed, hair up in a ponytail and not tired at all anymore and Jessie gives him a puzzled look.
Chris: “All right.  Ready to go?”
Jessie:”Yah, let me just grab a donut.”
Chris: “Would you just come on.”
Jessie: “What?  I’m hungry, it’s early, you know and I haven’t eaten.  I like donuts.  And there’s some here.  So I eat you know?”
Chris: “What?”
Jessie: “I donna know”
Chris: “Alright, let’s go.”

Scene 2:

Jessie and Chris pull up to Gold Star Chili’s parking lot and when they get out of the car, a crazy guy with a briefcase comes up to them.

Crazy Guy (out of breath):”I need you guys to take this.  This briefcase is extremely important. There are some top secret things in here that could decide the fate of the world.”
Chris: “If the world needs it that bad, you go ahead and hang onto it buddy.”
Crazy Guy: “No, you don’t understand, there’s some dangerous people after it.  They’ll hurt me again. You have to take it.”
Jessie: “I think we have one of those already.  Remember, that wacko on D Street without any pants on gave us a luggage bag?”
Chris: ” Yeah, he smelled like raw meat.”
Crazy Guy: “Please!  I don’t have much time.”
Chris and Jessie look at each other and shrug their shoulders.

Chris: “Sure, we’ll take it.”
Jessie:”I’ll treat it like my sister.”

The Crazy Guy runs back behind the restaurant looking around making sure no one is after him.
As Chris and Jessie walk past Chris’ car, Jessie chucks the briefcase into the back seat.  We proceed into the restaurant.

Scene 3:

Crazy Guy is running around the sidewalks as two large men step out in front of him.  They mob him and one holds him as the other punches him in the gut twice.

Thug 1″Where’s the briefcase?”
Crazy Guy: “I don’t have it.  I gave it to the Goodwill Center.”
Thug 1 socks him again in the stomach.

Thug 1″Don’t lie to us.  We’re not kidding around.”
Crazy Guy “I’m not lying.  Some aliens took it from me.  I was abducted yesterday and was tortured with horribly painful alien anal probes.”

Thug 2 looks at Thug 1 and grimaces in pain.

Thug 1 “He’s lying.  You’ve got 1 more chance before we really hurt you.”
Crazy Guy: “I’ve already told you where it is.  An elderly woman ran over my foot with her electric wheelchair and snagged it.”
Thug 1 decks him across the face.  Crazy Guy goes down hard and as he lays on the ground, the two thugs start to leave.
Thug 1:”Let’s go.  He don’t have it on him.  We’ll get it later.”

The thugs take off.  Crazy Guy gets up and dusts himself off as an elderly lady in an electric wheelchair runs over his foot.  She yells at him as he holds his foot in pain.

Scene 4:

Chris and Jessie start to enter Gold Star Chili but stop as Jessie speaks up.

Jessie:”Do you think that guy was for real?”
Chris: “No way, you know what he was:  A psychopathic member of SNL on helium.  He’s another weirdo living in our grand city.”
Jessie: “Maybe we should at least open it?  You know, it could be drugs….or money….or donuts!”
Chris: Would you stop with the donuts!”
Jessie: “What?”
Chris: “Yeah, maybe we should open it.”

Just then, we hear the song “She’s Got It” Playing as we see a beautiful woman walk by.  She is not shown; only Chris and Jessie are shown staring, mouths open wide, turning our heads slowly as she walks by and the music stops.

Chris: “That was the most beautiful woman I have ever seen.”
Jessie just nods his head slowly as he moves his lips, trying to speak but nothing comes out.
Chris: “What were we talking about?”
Jessie slowly nods his no and shrugs his shoulders, still dumbfounded.

They shake their heads and go to open the door to Gold Star Chili but a weird redneck kid is in their way.
Pick: “Howdy!”
Jessie & Chris: “Hel-lo?”
Pick: “Have you seen my dog?”
Jessie: “No, sorry, Cletus, we…”
Pick: “My name’s Pick.”
Jessie: “Okay, Pick.  No, we haven’t seen your dog.”
Pick: “He’s a golden retriever.  His fur’s like bright yellow. I guess that’s why they call them golden, huh?”
Chris: “Like he said, we haven’t seen your dog but we’ll make sure to tell you if we do.”
Pick: ” His name’s Kick.  That’s with a ‘K’.  He has this nervous condition in his left leg.  Hey!  I’ll bet you can’t guess why I named him Kick.  You can’t I bet!”
Chris: “Could it be his nervous condition?”
Pick: ” No……(gives a puzzled look as if he’s thinking really hard)  Oh, yeah!  You’re right!”
Jessie: “Okay, thanks for the info.”
Chris: “Yeah, we will keep our eyes peeled.”

We open the door and go in as Pick starts talking again but fades off as the door closes behind us
Pick: “Well, he’s got a bell around his…..”

Jessie and Chris walk in and shut the door in his face.  Pick just stands there staring straight ahead.  Just after we go in, two women (The Femme Fatals) leave the restroom and pick up a pay phone to call their boss. They dial and wait for an answer.

Thug 3 “Hello, Hootie and Some Goldfish Pet Store, this is Brad.  How May I help you?”
Alundra:” I need to talk to the Boss.”
Thug 3 “What’s the password?”
Alundra: “Do I have to?”
Thug 3 “Yes.  Say it.”
Alundra” MMBop.”
Thug 3 “Good.  I’ll put him on.”
Alundra (to Sasha, her partner): “I really think we need a new password.”
Sasha: “Definitely.”

Big Boss picks up the phone.

Big Boss: “Alundra, is that you?”
Alundra: “Yes, Big Boss, It’s me.”
Big Boss: “Have you got the briefcase yet?”
Alundra:” Well, you see, we going after it, when we came upon this club.  So, we thought we might go in and practice our Seduce and Kill thing.  But, the next thing we knew we were drunk out of our socks and giving stock tips to Spanish dwarves, who are actually very nice and misunderstood members of our society.”
Big Boss: “Cut the crap, Yes or No, do you have the briefcase?”
Alundra: “N-o-o(slowly and unsure)”
Big Boss (speaking quietly) “Okay, you know what you have to do. (Loudly) YOU HAVE TO SEDUCE HIM AND KILL HIM AND GET BACK THE BRIEFCASE!  AND QUICKLY!”
The phone hangs up loudly.

Alundra (to Sasha): “Uh, we’re supposed to get back to work on getting that briefcase back.”
Sasha:” Alright.  He wasn’t happy was he?”
Alundra: “No.  Alright, we need to practice this seduce and kill thing.”
Sasha: “Great idea, Alundra.  I know a great place.”

Scene 5:
Inside Gold Star: Chris and Jessie are sitting in a booth drinking sodas , with empty plates next to them and they seem to be goofing off.

Chris: “A horse walks into a bar. Bartender says “Why the long face?” (laughs) Get it?  Longface?  Horses have long like droopy faces that are long and weird”
Jessie: “Yes, I get it.  Wait a minute, here’s one.  Why was the Indian buried on the wrong side of the hill?”
Chris: “I have no idea.”
Jessie: “Because he was dead!”

They both crack up and I start to get up.
Jessie;” Man, I gotta get out of here and spend some time with my girl.  She’s pretty peed off at me.”
Chris: “Why?  What’d you do?”
Jessie: “Well, we were eating out the other day and she gives me a picture of her to put in my wallet.  I told her to go ahead and put it in for me.  So, she’s looking through and sees my picture of Sandra Bullock…..and she flips out!”
Chris: “Well, what’d she say?  She say anything?”
Jessie: “Yeah, she starts griping at me.  She’s like (in feminine voice) I feel like you’re cheating on me but worse because you don’t even know this person.  So, I say, well I bet she wouldn’t flip out on me over some silly picture!
Chris: (looks appalled, jokingly) “I can’t believe her.  Getting mad because you have pictures of an incredibly hot woman in your wallet.  What’s her problem?” (sarcastically)
Jessie: ” I have no idea, but yeah, I gotta go.  So, I”ll see you tomorrow.”
Chris: “Alright, I’ll be here.  Later, man>”
Jessie; “see ya”

 

 

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