originally written: 11/26/01 (unchanged)
Okay, here we are in an apartment building in a middle class neighborhood, where the tenants all make about twenty-two g. a year. In apartment eleven sits Mike, a twenty-two year old doctor in training with a severe anger problem, just flipping channels. It is 6:37 p.m.
“Okay, I Love Lucy reruns, that’s more Angie’s taste. No, okay, no, Flintstones!” he belts out excitedly.
“Those moose hats are the shit ,Fred!” just as he picks up a huge furry and horned helmet off of a coat rack that resembles the one Fred Flintstone wears to his lodge. Well, except this one has places for beer cans and two straws that could lead down to the mouth. Mike dons the enormous hat, just as the door handle rattles, and then swings open to reveal his roommate Keith, a straight arrow except for the fact he impregnated his girlfriend Jill when they were still in high school. But, he didn’t abandon her; they are still together.
“What’s up man?” he calmly states to Mike.
“Not much, just chilling here, waiting for Trambino to get back with the beer.”
“Oh, okay.” Keith is also a neat freak. He heads straight for the kitchen, straightening up the counter in preparation for the arrival of their third roommate, Trambino, who will have a sizeable amount of alcohol.
Mike looks over at Keith and says “So, who are you going after tonight at the party?”
Keith looks at him, in a cold stare, and replies “Uh, let’s see, probably my girlfriend and the mother of my child, and yourself?”
Mike removes the huge hat off his head and rubs his hands on his shirt slyly, saying “I don’t know. I have so many choices.” He follows it up with a hearty laugh. Then he looks at Keith, puzzled.
“What’s wrong man?”
Keith, obviously, offended, replies “Man, you are such a jerk to Angie. You guys have been going out for like two years and here you are talking about hitting on some other broads tonight? Is there a level your dignity has sunk to?”
Mike gets pissed quickly and retorts, “Dude, back the hell up. I don’t bust your balls over every little thing, do I?” as he says that Keith fires back with “This is not a little thing. This is your girlfriend, whom I thought you cared about?”
Mike looks away, and the surveys the room, as if searching for the right answer somewhere in the messy apartment.
“Man, do you think Angie is going to break up with me? I feel like she is getting tired of me.” Mike looks like his dog just got ran over, with a huge apathetic look on his face. Keith replies, “Well, it’s a possibility, considering you have cheated on her, several times.”
Mike tries to explain, ” Yeah but I apologized over and over again to her.”
Keith loses all patience and declares “Yeah, but that was after she caught you in bed with Diane, you stupid fuck. I can’t believe you have no feelings towards her. You have together nearly two years and you have just thrown it away to get your jollies off with a few easy girls. It’s like I don’t even know you anymore.”
Mike will not let his go. “Fuck you. I don’t need your opinions, and when I do, I’ll give them to you!” Mike stood up off the couch and walked by Keith on his way into the kitchen with a pissed off look on his face.
The room got quiet for a few minutes as Keith swapped Mike positions and he sat on the couch as Mike sat atop a stool at the minibar in the kitchen.
Keith spoke up, in a friendly voice, “Have you called her since that?”
Mike stared up, pathetically, and said “Yeah, I called her, but she wasn’t real interested in my excuses. She got really pissed of and hung up on me. She’s never done that. I wonder if she likes someone else.” Mike lets that thought hang in his head, as Keith looks over at the television and starts flipping channels.
Mike asks Keith, “So, what do you think?”
Keith looks at him and starts to speak but Mike interrupts with “You know ,I don’t always do this to her. I take her out. I buy her things.”
Keith tries to reply,”Yeah but”, as Mike cuts him off again saying “I really still love her you know. I mean, she’s got to know that. I mean….”
Mike trails off, as Keith speaks up louder this time.
“Could you shut up for a second, I’m trying to get a word in edgewise here, but you keep flapping your gums.”
Mike explains ‘I’m just trying to, ” Keith interrupts him this time saying “Just hold on, man, who asked who for advice here?” as he points his face at Mike’s, nodding, answering his own question, ” Yes you did.”
Just then, the door handle jiggles, and the door swings open again, and in comes Trambino, really his first name is Joey, but everyone calls him by his last name because there are like hundreds of other Joey’s at school and he likes to be different.
Tram hollers “Hey, losers, I brought me a little pick me up.”
He walks past Keith, lightly smacking him on the head, and sets a twelve pack of beer the kitchen counter. Then, he points to his long green coat, and opens it up to reveal a paper bagged bottle, pulling it out and sucking back on it.
Keith looks at him, saying “You started early, I see.” Then turning his focus back to the television.
Tram looks around restlessly, then says to Mike “So, I heard you are getting dumped, Mikey. That’s rough.”
Mike comes out of his emotional state and says “Who told you that? What the hell are you talking about?”
Tram defensively says “What? Nobody, it was just something I heard at school.”
Mike gets in his face aggressively “Tell me who told you that, or I will break your damn nose!”
Mike stands up off of the stool, and gets real close into Tram’s face, as he backs up slowly.
Keith intervenes, saying “Guys, not now.”
Mike hollers at him. “Hey shut up. This has nothing to do with you.”
Tram looks ready with Mike’s attention diverted and he puts down his bottle. He looks Mike dead in the eye and says “You want to go? I’m ready, you want”
Mike pushes him down, and says “Yeah, as a matter of fact, I do.” Keith just stares at the television, but says “He’s drunk, Mike. I, I am not breaking this up.”
Tram defends himself, “Quiet, Keith. He knows what he’s doing.”
Keith tries to reason with Tram, saying “Yeah, but you don’t.”
Then, Mike has to get the last word in “hey Keith, screw you. Don’t sit over there trying to act all high and mighty. Hey, you’re not perfect either. Remember, you’re the one with the kid. You are the one who got Jill pregnant when she was sixteen. So, keep your mouth shut.”
Keith fires back, “Of course, I remember, shit-for-brains. It’s my kid.”
Tram starts laughing, drunkenly, of course, and sits back down. “He has a point there. It is his kid.” And he just continues to laugh.
Then, Mike tries to fire Keith up.
“You know, maybe I should be giving you advice. Then, you wouldn’t be a father.”
Keith comes back, as Tram is drinking out of his bag again, watching intently.
“Don’t get pissed at me because you have no responsibility when it comes…”
Mike interrupts, “You didn’t have a job, then did you? And responsibility. You didn’t even use protection. Don’t talk to me about responsibility.”
Keith says “Well, at least I’m monogamous, unlike you.”
Tram states “This is getting good now,” which causes Mike to glare at him for a brief second, then he turns his attention back to Keith.
“I was drunk, and I had a lot on my mind.”
Keith doesn’t let up, “Yeah, it’s really hard to remember the name of the girl you were banging that week. Was it Mimi, or Bambi? Maybe you were fucking Tonya? Names, names, names, so hard to recall.”
Mike rushes across the room and tackles Keith on the couch, but Keith soon overpowers him and they stand up, wrestling across the room, and run into the table, knocking over Tram’s bottle. Mike seems a bit distracted by that, and Keith decks him with a solid right hand, which sends Mike down to the ground. Keith walks over to get the cordless phone.
Mike asks from the floor, “What are you doing? Who are you calling?”
Keith stares at the numbers as he dials and says “Angie.”
Mike gets back up and threatens Keith.
“Put the phone down. Put it down before I put you down.”
Keith responds, ” Shut the hell up. You’re scum. You’re sleeping around on her and she’s waited for you. She hasn’t given herself to anyone, waiting for you, and you could care less.”
He kinds of mumbles under his breath, “She be better off with Jon.”
Mike screams out “Jon! She’s sleeping with him, isn’t she? Behind my back, that little slut!”
Tram looks up from sweeping up the glass on the floor, and says “No, she’s not. He gave her a ride home the other night after the party. You know, the one where she found you with Diane.”
Mike looks at him and says “How do you know? How the fuck does he know that?” looking at Keith for an answer.